


Icehouse of Horror

by WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic), Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dreams and Nightmares, Halloween, High School, Homophobia, Horror, M/M, Massage, Orgy, Ouija, Parallel Universes, Pie, Science Fiction, Showers, Simpsons reverence, The Skater In The Rye, cooking rope, diplomatic immunity, maple syrup, there's no way the characters would actually do that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-02 09:00:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16302113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay/pseuds/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay
Summary: A trilogy of horror stories.1.Prologue2.Major Character DeathThe hockey team (and also Fry Guy) get together near Halloween to use the Ouija board...3.Bitty's NightmareBitty has an important paper due tomorrow, and it's late, so he decides to take a quick nap to clear his head...4.Yuri!!!, Please!The parallel universes of Check, Please! and Yuri!!! On Ice meet. The figure skaters and hockey players meet to negotiate a competition that determines which universe gets conquered, but they find they have even harder things to deal with...5.Epilogue





	1. Prologue

You sit in the audience, in front of a stage with a closed red curtain, waiting for the show to begin. The curtain opens, and out steps John Johnson. 

"Hello, everyone. I'm John Johnson, formerly the Existential Goalie of the Samwell Men's Hockey Team. They asked me here to warn you that what you are about to read is disturbing. Basically, I'm supposed to be Marge Simpson in the beginning of some of the early Treehouse of Horror episodes. I can't really do the voice, but I think I got the hair right," he says, pointing to the wig of tall blue hair he was wearing. "Actually, maybe I can try the voice. 'Hi, I'm Marge, I think potatoes are neat!' I'm sorry, that wasn't very good. Let me try ag--"

A large hook appears from the side.

"No, wait! I'll behave! I don't want to be yanked into nothingne--"

As John Johnson is pulled off the stage by the giant hook, accompanied by jaunty big band music, everything fades to black and you await what comes next.


	2. Major Character Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Now let's figure out how Fry Guy is going to die." Everyone but Fry Guy laughed, and they started using the Ouija board. "F" was the first letter, followed by "R", then "I", "E", "S"...

It was a few days from Halloween, and Nursey and Dex were awkwardly carrying an antique grandfather clock into the Haus. Bitty, John Johnson, Ransom, Holster, and Fry Guy were sitting and chatting in the living room. Later that night they would have a Halloween party. Bitty looked up at Nursey and Dex. 

"Hi, guys. What's that?"

"This," said Nursey, "is a grandfather's clock I saw at a flea market. I think it'd be great for the party tonight. And get this, it's cursed! The old guy who sold it to us said whoever speaks when it chimes... will die first." Dex rolled his eyes. 

"Guess I'd better be careful!" Bitty said, and everyone laughed. 

Fry Guy spoke. "I wonder if--"

BONG. BONG. The clock struck two. Everyone stared at Fry Guy. 

"Huh. Okay. Well, I mean, I think it was going to chime regardless of who spoke," said Fry Guy. 

"That's not what the old man said," said Nursey. 

"Guys, guys, I'm sure it's no big deal," said Bitty. "I mean, we're not superstitious or anything, right?" They looked around at each other. "Anyway," continued Bitty. "I have just the thing to set the mood before the party tonight. Anybody want to play with a Ouija board?"

Most of them murmured agreement. Fry Guy just sat there, thinking. 

Holster spoke. "Well, let's ask it if I'll get that promotion." 

"Sounds good," said Bitty. Everyone grabbed onto the little piece of wood and held it over the board with letters. They first moved to "N", and then to "O". 

"Sucks to be you," said Ransom. Everyone but Holster laughed. "Now let's figure out how Fry Guy is going to die." Everyone but Fry Guy laughed, and they started using the Ouija board. "F" was the first letter, followed by "R", then "I", "E", "S".

"Who's pushing on this?!?" yelled Fry Guy.

"The board doesn't lie!" yelled Holster. 

"I'm done!" yelled Fry Guy, who went into the backyard. 

"Don't worry!" yelled John Johnson. "There's no warning on this story for 'Major Character Death', so you'll probably be fine!" 

* * *

Fry Guy stood in the brisk October air, pondering his mortality, when Holster walked up to him.

"About all that," said Holster. "We're sorry if it unnerved you. I mean, everyone knows Ouija boards don't really work, it's just superstition."

"Of course. I knew that," said Fry Guy. 

"Anyway, Kent Parson decided to Skype in and say hi. You want to see him?"

Kent Parson! He was famous! "Oh, sure!" said Fry Guy. "I'd love to see Kent Parson. Let's go."

They walked into the living room, where the Ouija board had been put away and an open laptop was set up, with Kent Parson's face streaming on the monitor. He was holding his cat, Kit Purrson. 

"Oh, is that Fry Guy?" said Kent. 

"Hey," said Fry Guy. 

"Hey. So, I, uh, have some news for you. My cat, Kit Purrson, well, I like to do charity work sometimes, and so sometimes I visit nursing homes with her. The old people there love to see my cat. But it seems, or so I've been told by the staff there, that Kit has this _uncanny_ ability to see if people are sick, and even predict when they're on death's door. The funny thing is, just now," Kent laughed, "she looked up at me, and she meowed to me, 'Fry Guy'." Kent did his best falsetto impression of a meowing cat, and everybody laughed. Fry Guy was embarrassed. "Look, Fry. I'm not saying that Kit is always 100 percent correct, but if I were you-- hey, where are you going?" Fry Guy stormed out of the room, and returned to the backyard. 

Bitty followed Fry Guy into the backyard. "You okay?" said Bitty. 

"I... don't know! And they're just taking it all as a joke!" yelled Fry Guy. "I don't know! I could be dead, or maybe it's nothing. I don't know!"

"Look, I've been practicing giving massages," said Bitty. "I think it would calm you down. I have things set up upstairs. You want to try it? I think it would take your mind off things."

"Uh, okay," said Fry Guy. 

* * *

"So how far should I strip down," said Fry Guy, standing in Bitty's room. 

"As far as you're comfortable," said Bitty. "I have a towel if you want, but we don't really need it."

Fry Guy stripped down to his boxers, then wrapped himself in the towel and slid off his boxers. He laid down face-down on Bitty's bed, which was covered in towels so there wouldn't be a mess. The scent of Bitty's freshly-laundered towels felt calming. Bitty got his supplies ready, then poured something on Fry Guy's back. 

"What's that?" asked Fry Guy. 

"Vegetable oil," said Bitty. "It's like what the ancient Greeks used."

"Uh, okay," said Fry Guy. 

Bitty smoothed out the oil all over Fry Guy's back, shoulders, and arms. "Are you comfortable with removing the towel?"

"Uh, sure," said Fry Guy, who was now hard and feeling a little awkward. 

Bitty pulled off the towel, exposing Fry Guy's lower torso. Bitty sloppily added more oil, some of which spilled off of Fry Guy and onto the towels he was laying on. Bitty massaged Fry Guy's legs and butt, making sure the oil got into every nook and cranny. 

"I wonder how we'll get the oil off afterwards," said Fry Guy. 

"One thing at a time," said Bitty. "Okay, why don't we try the front. Could you flip over?"

"Oh, I, um, have an erection."

"That's normal. Don't worry about it."

Fry Guy turned over, and Bitty added more oil and started massaging his chest, then worked down to his legs, basically avoiding his dick except for a few times when he accidentally bumped his arm against it. 

"I've been thinking," said Bitty, as he massaged Fry Guy. "This'll sound kind of strange, but... have you ever heard of something called 'la petite mort'?"

"Uh, no."

"It's what the French call the moment of orgasm, when it's as if a part of you dies. It literally means 'a little death'. Maybe if you 'died'," Bitty said, bringing his greasy hands up to do air quotes, "then that might help break whatever curse there is."

Fry Guy was already harder than a calculus exam that had taken Cialis, and he looked over and noticed the same could be said of Bitty, who was bending over awkwardly in his jeans to accomodate an erection. "You have a boyfriend, right?" said Fry Guy. 

"I think he would be fine with this seeing as how it's to break a curse," said Bitty. "And after all, you only live once."

"Well, I'm not gay, but honestly, I think I'm about to practically burst into flames. So, yeah," said Fry Guy. "Do what you want to do."

Bitty put some more oil on his hands, some of which got on the floor, which he cursed himself for doing. He then rubbed up and down Fry Guy's chest, and then wrapped his hand around Fry Guy's dick, which was already oozing pre-cum. 

"Oh, yeah," groaned Fry Guy. Bitty added more oil and rubbed faster and faster, so fast he was beginning to smell smoke. Wait a minute...

The smoke alarm started blaring. Bitty and Fry Guy both gasped. They ran to the door, struggling to open the doorknob with their greasy hands. They finally succeeded, and ran downstairs, Fry Guy completely naked and covered with vegetable oil. Once they got downstairs, they noticed some flames on the front porch. Fry Guy ran toward the front door, despite the flames, because he had forgotten the Haus had a back exit, while Bitty yelled, "No!" Bitty ran out the back door and ran around the house, only to find that Fry Guy was engulfed in flames. It was too late. As the others on the hockey team had witnessed, due to the combination of the tub juice and a thick coat of vegetable oil, Fry Guy lit up in flames practically instantly after running through the fire on the porch. He died soon after, in what everyone agreed was an excruciating, ableit pleasant-smelling, method of expiration.


	3. Bitty's Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's late, and Bitty has a paper due for a class tomorrow, so he decides to take a brief nap to clear his head...

It was 2:30am, and Bitty sat in front of his laptop at his desk, desperately trying to put enough thoughts together to finish his paper on the transformative nature of the relationship between pop culture and fandom as it relates to Beyonce... or something. It was a mess, and it was too short. If the paper wasn't long enough, he wouldn't pass, and the deadline was tomorrow. Unfortunately, his brian had stopped working, and so had his brain, and he figured a little nap wouldn't hurt...

* * *

Bitty fell from the sky and slammed onto the sidewalk, flattening like a pancake. Then he got up. It was as if he were a beloved cartoon character, subjected to being in a 90s video game in a blatant cashgrab. 

He looked around. He was on an endless sidewalk in a typical suburban American landscape. He had a hockey stick. Hockey pucks slid on the sidewalk toward him, lined up in a row. The first one hit him. He lost some hit points. He tried hitting the next few with his hockey stick. He mostly succeeded, but the hit detection was terrible. 

Then, a basketball bounced toward him, he jumped over it, and it became a skateboard. If it weren't for the sound effects, he thought, there'd be no way this could be a video game, it just made no sense and was too badly designed. 

Then Bitty realized that he was probably the only gay protagonist in a 90s video game. 

Well, he *would* be the only gay protagonist if he could actually be gay. How would the player know?

No time for those thoughts now. Pies were hovering up and down in mid-air, so he collected them so he could use them as projectiles later. 

He then noticed a page from his term paper, fluttering about in the breeze. He ran to touch it...

* * *

He found himself in something like reality, crouching down like the Terminator after time travel, except clothed, and looking at the tiled floor in the locker room of the gym in his high school. He stood up. He saw the opening to the showers, and heard that the showers were on and the murmuring of voices. In high school, the only time he got to see the male form unadorned (in person) was the rare occasions when students, usually athletes, decided to shower after gym class. Of course, Bitty couldn't just stare, he had always just caught glimpses out of the corner of his eye while walking past. Well, now he found himself back in high school, next to the showers, and they held an allure to him despite his now having regularly showered with guys in college. He stuck his hand out, leaned on the white tiled wall, and paused.

Bitty then crept up to the corner of the entrance to the showers and looked with one eye around the edge of that wall. He saw a bare butt, and his eyes grew wide. He moved away, his heart beating, then slowly edged his head back toward a better view. He noticed that Mark, a guy he had a crush on in high school, was there. He stared, trying to remember every detail of their bodies. He watched. He enjoyed it. 

"Eric, are you spying on me, you little shit?!?" Mark yelled. Bitty gasped and ran. 

* * *

He found himself sitting in a classroom. The class was full, and Mark was sitting on the other side of the room, next to his girlfriend.

Mrs. Woolsworth, his English teacher, was introducing her two guests, Oliver Sacks and Maurice Sendak. Bitty remembered that they were both elderly gay men who had been closeted for decades before coming out recently, shortly before their deaths. 

In fact, Oliver Sacks, the famous neurologist, was said to have only truly fallen in love for the first time when he was in his 70s, after decades of closeted celibacy that followed a period of hedonism. 

Maurice Sendak was the famous author of children's books like Where The Wild Things Are. Only in the 2000s did it become publicly known that he was gay and had been living with his partner for 50 years. Bitty remembered that some of his work was informed by deep pain; members of his family had died in the Holocaust, and Bitty respected Sendak for caring about the oppressed. 

"Class," Mrs. Woolsworth said. Everyone looked up. "I was informed earlier today that a pervert was spying on boys in the gym showers." The class was deadly silent. Bitty swallowed. He glanced at Mark, who was just staring ahead. "I will not mention his name, I will just pray for his soul. Of course, what can we expect when we have such poor role models in society? There are homosexual activists that are trying to get married. Really. Marriage is between one man and one woman. Period." 

Bitty looked to Maurice Sendak and Oliver Sacks, who just stood there and did nothing. _What's happening?_ thought Bitty. 

The students sat in silence. "Eric did it," said Mark, off-handedly. The whole class started murmuring, while Bitty just sat there, frozen, and staring ahead at a point on the wall. 

"Class! Quiet!" said Mrs. Woolsworth. "We're here to hear our guests! Let's hear what they have to say!"

Oliver Sacks spoke. "Homosexuality is a mental abnormality." _What?!?_ Bitty thought as he gripped the sides of his desk. 

Maurice Sendak pointed at Bitty. "Bitty's the batter! Bitty's the batter! Bake him alive, and nothing's the matter!"

At this, the class erupted. Bitty left his seat and stood up. Then the guy behind Bitty got up and bear-hugged him. Bitty thrashed. Someone else got his legs. Bitty was lifted up and carried out of class, writhing like a worm. The rest of the class followed, chanting, "Bitty's the batter! Bitty's the batter! Bake him alive, and nothing's the matter!" 

Bitty writhed and writhed, trying to either escape or wake up, but it didn't work. They carried him down the hall, and into the cafeteria, which was filled with hundreds of students who began joining in the chant. 

They turned into the kitchen, still chanting. A giant oven was on one side. A student opened the door to the oven, exposing red-hot coils and a giant apple pie which was being baked inside. Bitty stared in horror at the pie as the two students holding him walked closer and closer.

"Tie his hands and legs so he can't escape!" yelled Mrs. Woolsworth over the chanting. A student found some cooking rope. The two students holding him waited as another student used the rope to bind his limbs. Bitty then found himself carried helplessly toward the oven. 

"Ready?" yelled one of them. 

"Let's go!" yelled the other. 

"One!" They swung Bitty toward the open oven, and then back. 

"Two!" they swung him again toward the oven, then swung back. 

"Three!" They let go, and Bitty screamed as he flew into the oven and tumbled into the pie. 

 

* * *

Suddenly, Bitty woke up. He could still feel the heat. _It was just a dream_ he thought. He looked up at the ceiling. It was still dark. _Good. Maybe I have time to finish the paper._

Bitty tried to sit up. He couldn't. _Why can't I sit up?_ he thought. _Do I have sleep paralysis?_

Then he smelled the scent of apple pie, and suddenly realized why he couldn't sit up.

He _was_ a pie!

He tried to scream, but pies can't do that. Then he saw (somehow?) that Jack entered the room. Jack! The man who meant more than almost anyone else in the world to him, a man who would surely stand by him even if Dream Maurice Sendak and Dream Oliver Sacks did not. 

Jack approached Bitty/the pie, and looked down at him. He paused. Then he scooped up a slice of pie with his hand, and began to eat Bitty. Bit by Bitty, he ate slice after slice, until the whole pie was eaten. In truth, Bitty was not entirely displeased by the situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this ended up much closer to horror on the horror-comedy continuum than I originally intended.


	4. Yuri!!!, Please!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Bitty, let me give you some advice," began Chris. "You can tell a lot about the meaning of a word by taking it apart and thinking about what each part means. For example, think about the word 'boyfriend'. It comes from the words 'boyf', meaning to have relations, and 'rend', meaning to render into existence."
> 
> Bitty gave Chris a skeptical look.
> 
> "I'll leave it to you to decide if your boyfriend is properly rendering boyf. Oh hi, Phichit!" Chris turned and waved to Phichit, who walked in wearing a red hunter's cap.
> 
> Phichit smiled and waved back as he approached them. "Hey, you goddamn phonies!"
> 
> Chris and Bitty just stood there, puzzled.
> 
> "Don't worry," said Phichit, "I'm just doing method acting for my new program, which is based on the movie The Skater In The Rye." He turned to Bitty and stuck out his hand. "I'm Phichit, by the way. Are you Eric Bittle?"
> 
> "Yes, but you can call me 'Bitty'," he said as he shook Phichit's hand. _Why are all the guys in Universe B so hot?_ thought Bitty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title "Large Hardon Collider" was already taken.

About 50 trillion years ago, give or take the existence of time, a swirl of bubbles started. Over time, each of these bubbles would develop into its own universe. Two of these bubbles orbited each other for eons. In one universe was Eric Bittle, baker and college hockey player. In the other universe was Yuuri Katsuki, world-class figure skater. One day the bubbles containing these two universes finally kissed, and ripped, and as Eric Bittle and Yuuri Katsuki were both practicing, in the middle of both of their rinks they noticed a shimmering opening in the fabric of space time, a portal floating in the air a foot or so above the ice. A gentle breeze flowed through the opening. 

"Jack, do you see what I see?" said Bitty to Jack, whom he was practicing with.

"That's pretty weird," said Jack. "Maybe it's an optical illusion?"

Bitty took off his helmet and skated up to the portal, and saw a Japanese figure skater with an astonished look skating up to the other side. 

"Hello?" said Bitty. Bitty peaked around the portal. On each side it opened into different sides of the portal in the other universe. It was like a floating window. 

"Konichiwa," said Yuuri, waving. "Hello. My name is Yuuri Katsuki. Do you know what is happening?"

"I have no idea," said Bitty.

* * *

Soon, the news of the joining of the two universes spread throughout each universe's Earth, though in each universe's America this news was wedged in between the latest scandals of each universe's Trump administration. Scientists had determined the opening was safe to walk through, and world governments on both sides were abuzz about what to do. Eventually, it was decided: There was to be a competition between the hockey players in Universe A and the figure skaters in Universe B. Whichever universe won would get to conquer the other universe. The exact nature of the competition, which would involve both figure skating and hockey, was to be negotiated by the Samwell Men's Hockey Team in Universe A and the world-class figure skaters in Universe B.

"Shouldn't we all have dopplegangers?" posted John Johnson on the Samwell hockey group chat. 

"Despite superficial similarities," posted Shitty, "many people do not have doubles in the other universe. I don't think any of us do. Nevertheless, I have to admit it's disappointing how similar their history is to ours. Maybe Bitty will notice subtle differences when he does his diplomatic visit to Universe B. I hope he does well. It's gonna suck if we lose and have to give our universe over to them."

* * *

Bitty was on the side of the skating rink in Hasetsu, Japan in Universe B. He was leaning against the rink wall, looking up everything he could about this universe on his phone, which managed to connect to the wifi despite being manufactured in a different universe. Yuuri Katsuki walked up to Bitty. 

"Hey, Yuuri," said Bitty. "Sorry that I don't understand Japanese. I hope English is not too much trouble for you."

"It's no problem at all," said Yuuri. 

"So, I noticed that you and Victor Nikiforov are pretty close. Are you two together?"

Yuuri blushed. "He is my coach. He has been enormously helpful to me, and I am grateful for that."

Bitty was confused. "I read that last year, you two kissed? Is that right?"

"He was trying to surprise me."

"And you two exchanged engagement rings?"

"That was a joke. Victor said that if we won gold, we would get married. He was joking."

Bitty was beginning to feel like an interrogater. "The theme of your performances was 'love', and you performed to a song that was about 'Eros', sexual love, and your performance was choreographed by Victor." As Bitty said this, he felt a weird feeling of _dominance_ , of, for once, actually being the more experienced in terms of relationships. Yes, this dominance was like one kitten dominating over another, but still, he wanted to keep pushing to expose Yuuri's secrets. "Are you sure that your relationship with Victor is just that he's your coach?"

"Yes," said Yuuri. 

He would've guess from talking to Yuuri that sex simply didn't exist in Universe B, if he hadn't just read on Universe B's Wikipedia about the history of gay rights, which mirrored that in Universe A. Bitty suspected that there was this giant chasm between what Yuuri secretly wanted to do with Victor and what he was actually doing, a chasm that Yuuri himself may not have been aware of. Bitty wondered if there was a way to leverage this. 

"I have a boyfriend," said Bitty, nonchalantly. "He's also a hockey player." Bitty looked at Yuuri. "Sometimes we make out."

"Oh, okay," said Yuuri, a little taken aback. 

_Too much?_ thought Bitty, _or not enough?_ "Sometimes he lets me make out with other people as well," said Bitty, trying his best to be flirty. Bitty didn't actually know what Jack would have said, but he figured he was protected by diplomatic immunity and the fact that it's not cheating if they're from another universe. "It's fun."

"Who do we have here?" Chris Giacometti said in his usual seductive voice as he walked up to Bitty, seemingly out of nowhere. "I don't believe we've met. I'm Chris."

Bitty felt shy all of a sudden. "I'm...I'm Bitty. Eric Bittle, but you can call me Bitty." 

"'Bitty'. That's a nice name. So! What were you two boys talking about?"

"Bitty just told me about his boyfriend," said Yuuri. "He's a hockey player too."

"Ooh!" said Chris. "I have a boyfriend, too. Sometimes we play with other people, although not with hardcore things like rimming... You ever try rimming? It's not for everyone."

Bitty had no idea what rimming was... well, okay, he did, he saw it plenty of times in porn, but he was surprised to meet someone who actually did it. 

"Well," said Yuuri, laughing nervously, "I have to go... double-check the rules of the figure-skating competition. It was nice talking with both of you."

Chris and Bitty both said their goodbyes, and Yuuri walked off. 

"You're the figure-skater, right?" said Chris. "I believe that the proper motion of the butt is the most important thing to be competitive when figure skating. What do you think?"

"Well, I was never a professional," said Bitty. 

"God, you're as dense as Yuuri," said Chris, leaning back against the wall of the rink. "Oh, I guess what Victor said was wrong. My sexual prowess does not, in fact, extend to everyone in both universes. Oh..." Chris sighed sadly as he leaned backward over the wall of the rink, sticking his crotch forward prominently. 

"I wouldn't say that," said Bitty.

"Oh?" Chris said as he turned his head toward Bitty.

"I mean, I have a boyfriend, so I have to keep things chaste with other people."

"I have very good hearing," said Chris, "and I swore I heard you say your boyfriend sometimes lets you make out with other people."

"Oh, well, I guess I was just, uh, saying that to Yuuri so, uh--"

Chris stayed silent, looking at Bitty while drumming his fingers against the top of the rink wall. 

"Um, uh, well it seemed like there was something between Yuuri and Victor that wasn't being acknowledged, so I, you know, applied a little bit of pressure."

"Like a kitten dominating another kitten," said Chris. "Look, Bitty, Yuuri will not admit his feelings for Victor in plain, black-and-white language unless the universe were about to literally end." Chris stood up, and paused. "You like him, though, don't you. You don't seem like the type to flirt with someone unless you like them." Bitty was getting red. "Where's your boyfriend, by the way?"

"Jack? He's negotiating with J. J. Leroy back in Universe A. They're both Canadian so I bet they'll have a lot in common." 

(During these negotiations, Jack discovered a terrible secret: One of them *did* have a doppleganger in Universe B after all. John Johnson and J. J. Leroy were basically twins who grew up in different countries. Jack kept this knowledge a secret because if either JJ or John Johnson found out, no one would ever hear the end of it.)

"Bitty, let me give you some advice," began Chris. "You can tell a lot about the meaning of a word by taking it apart and thinking about what each part means. For example, think about the word 'boyfriend'. It comes from the words 'boyf', meaning to have relations, and 'rend', meaning to render into existence."

Bitty gave Chris a skeptical look. 

"I'll leave it to you to decide if your boyfriend is properly rendering boyf. Oh hi, Phichit!" Chris turned and waved to Phichit, who walked in wearing a red hunter's cap. 

Phichit smiled and waved back as he approached them. "Hey, you goddamn phonies!"

Chris and Bitty just stood there, puzzled. 

"Don't worry," said Phichit, "I'm just doing method acting for my new program, which is based on the movie The Skater In The Rye." He turned to Bitty and stuck out his hand. "I'm Phichit, by the way. Are you Eric Bittle?"

"Yes, but you can call me 'Bitty'," he said as he shook Phichit's hand. _Why are all the guys in Universe B so hot?_ thought Bitty. 

"I remember," said Chris, "that the author of the book that that movie was based on was adamantly opposed to that project, but then he died, and his estate said okay."

"Yep!" said Phichit. "People are all a bunch of phonies! And you're a flit!" he said, pointing toward Chris. 

"A what?" said Chris. 

"A gay man." Phichit cleared his throat. "It's part of my character's slang."

"Well, yes, but I do have my dalliances with women. Anyway, one could say that *you* look forward to the grand pricks as well."

"Isn't that pronounced 'grand pree'?"

"Not in this context. In fact, I remember when--"

"Ahahaha," laughed Phichit, "that's hilarious, Chris! I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Look, it's okay, Phichit, Bitty was just talking to me about *his* boyfriend. Apparently he's a hockey player too."

Phichit smiled and laughed. "Oh, Chris! Even if I had a secret like that, it's not like we should just divulge our secrets to the people we're negotiating with for the fate of the universe, even if they seem trustworthy!"

"You know," said Chris, "if we had a threeway and taped it, no one would be able to blackmail each other."

"That's your answer to everything!" said Phichit. He sighed and turned to Bitty. "Alright, fine, there was *one time*. Well, I mean, one time with Chris."

Phichit looked at Chris. Chris looked back. Chris moved toward Phichit in a familiar way, and they embraced and started making out, their hands all over each other. Bitty looked awkwardly away. Chris tried to take off Phicit's hunting cap, and Phichit knocked away his hand. Chris stopped kissing. 

"Take off that atrocious hat," said Chris.

"No, you... phony moron," said Phichit. 

"Ooh, you're so dominant, Phichit. I love it."

"So I'm just going to go now," said Bitty.

"My offer still stands," said Chris to Bitty, as Phichit pecked at his neck. "Are you sure you don't want to join in?"

Bitty didn't say anything. Phichit looked at him. "I'm fine with it if you are, Bitty."

Bitty paused. "O...Okay," he said. 

He stepped up to Phichit. "Oh, you want to start with me?" said Phichit. He tore himself away from Chris and stepped toward Bitty. 

As Phichit brought his arms to Bitty's waist, leaned in, pressed his lips to Bitty's, and slipped his tongue inside, Bitty thought, _diplomatic immunity!_

* * *

Jack, Shitty, Nursey, JJ Leroy, and Isabella (JJ's girlfriend) sat in a spare meeting room in Samwell University in Universe A, a kind of dingy looking room with wood paneling on the walls and a flickering fluorescent light that hung from the ceiling. Jack had an array of papers with handwritten notes spread out in front, and he and JJ discussed the minutiae of the hockey/figure skating competition they were supposed to have. Everyone else was bored to tears, looking at their phone, staring at the wall, leaning back in their chairs, etc. 

Jack spoke. "So John--"

"My name's JJ."

"I mean, JJ. Sorry, you just reminded me of someone I know."

"Really? Can you show me a photo? My fans would love to see it! We could both do the 'JJ Style' gesture!"

Shitty snickered. 

"No!" Jack said. "I mean, let's just try to get these details hammered out and not get distracted. Okay, so you want *three* figure skating competitions and-- hold on." Jack felt his phone buzz. He saw a text from Nursey. Jack's eyes bulged. Apparently Bitty was in the news after video got leaked of him making out with a couple of the figure skaters in Universe B. "What?" Jack murmured. 

"I agree," said JJ, pointedly. "We should do things 'JJ Style!'--" he did the hand gesture "--and not get _distracted_ when negotiating."

"Sorry," said Jack as he put away his phone. 

"One thing I did want to bring up." said JJ. "So we decided that there will be maple syrup at all the receptions."

"Of course," said Jack. "Maple syrup is good."

"The real stuff, right?"

"Of course."

"So, my question is, will there be a reception after every event or--"

"Sorry, can I excuse myself," said Jack. "There's something I really need to attend to."

JJ sighed. "Fine. Whatever. Even if negotiations continue until the end of *one* of our universes, at least we'll have the other."

"Shitty will negotiate in my place. I'll be back in maybe a half hour or so."

"'Shitty.' What a lovely name. Just what I'd expect from Universe A."

Isabella spoke. "I thought I could smell a certain Universe A-ness."

"Nice one, Isabella."

* * *

Bitty, Chris, Phichit, and Yuuri sat in a restaurant in Hasestu. 

"You wouldn't believe how drunk Victor was," said Chris. "Yuuri was trying to keep Victor from taking off his clothes, and--"

"Why do you keep showing that?" said Yuuri. 

"Hold on," said Phichit. "Can we take a selfie?" He held the camera up and out of the booth they were sitting in and posed with two fingers in a "V". 

Just then, Bitty got a text on his phone. Though he was pleasantly surprised that he could receive texts via wifi in this universe, as it never seemed to work in his universe, this was bad news. Jack had sent him a couple of texts:

Jack: You're in the news. 

Jack: What's going on, Bits?

Phichit looked at his phone at the photo he just took and frowned. "Bitty, you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Oh, I'm fine," said Bitty. "There was just a... dog that died."

"Really?" said Phichit and impulsively grabbed Bitty's phone before Bitty could stop him. After seeing Bitty's phone, he suddenly put it down and searched for something on his phone. "Guys! Someone spied on us! Check the news!"

They checked their phones. Chris looked up. "They leaked video footage of the ice rink, showing us being affectionate." Chris and Phichit stared at Yuuri. "I think *one* of us may have been taking this competition a little too seriously. I don't think that leaking video footage like that is very sportsmanlike."

Yuuri hung his head. "Look, I'm sorry," he said. 

"It's just the fate of the universe, Yuuri," said Chris. "It's not like it's life and death."

"I know, I know," said Yuuri. 

"Look, Bitty," said Phichit. "We're really sorry, we promise it won't happen again. If there's anything we can do to make it up to you, please let us know."

Bitty laughed nervously. "That's alright, I think I'm in enough trouble already, Phichit."

"Not like that, I mean, maybe I can apologize to Jack in person when I visit Universe A."

"I didn't know that you planned to visit."

"I think it'd be nice to take a sight-seeing tour sometime before the competition."

"Oh. Well, actually, we live near Salem, MA, which has this big Halloween festival next week. You could come join us."

* * *

So Bitty, Jack, Nursey, Phichit, Yuuri, and Victor were walking in downtown Salem, MA in Universe A, dressed in their costumes and surrounded by hundreds of fellow Halloween enthusiasts. Phichit was dressed as a mouse, Yuuri as a ninja, Victor as Santa Claus, Nursey as a pumpkin spice latte, Bitty as Miss Piggy, and Jack (at Bitty's insistence) as Kermit the Frog. 

Bitty stopped. "Kermit?" Bitty did his best Miss Piggy impression, but Jack kept walking. "Kermit!" Bitty grabbed Jack's shirt and pulled him back. Everyone else stopped. Bitty cleared his throat and spoke normally. "Why don't we get our fortune told?"

"Alright," said Jack. 

"We'll meet you guys later," said Bitty to everyone else. Jack and Bitty waited in line for the psychic for forty five minutes. Finally it was their turn, so they went inside. The psychic was checking her phone. 

"So, what's in our future?" asked Bitty?

"The fuck ah you two still doin' heah?" said the psychic. "The universe is goin' to collapse in an hou-ah if your friends from Universe B don't get they-ah asses back to the other side! Doesn't the government keep track of you guys?"

"Moi?" said Bitty. 

"Check the news, dipshits," said the psychic. 

Bitty pulled out his phone and checked the news: 

* Trump threatens to eat kitten, then says Democrats are kitten-eaters

* President Trump refers to Prime Minister of Croatia as 'toots'

* Universes could collapse in one hour if people don't return to their home universes, say scientists

* Trump threatens to deport immigrants to Universe B

Bitty looked up at Jack. "We have to find everyone. Now!"

They ran out of the psychic's room, and eventually found everyone else, but by then it was only forty minutes until the universe was projected to collapse. 

"It looks like we can't make it back in time," said Phichit, sadly, and still dressed as a mouse. "The universes are going to collapse, and there's nothing we can do to stop it. Everything that ever was is going to be erased from existence." He sighed. "But do you know what we do have time for?" He grinned and looked at Bitty. 

"I don't know, what?" said Nursey. 

"A nice long walk!" said Phichit. "It's beautiful outside, the leaves are changing colors. It's a fall like no other, because there will never be another! The universe is ending, and we'll be at the nearest hotel we can find. I hope you understand."

"Well, wait," said Nursey. "Don't I get to spend my last minutes on Earth with my friends?"

"No." said Bitty. "I mean, there's something we'd like to do together, alone."

Nursey paused. "You mean," he said before miming smoking a joint. "I'm down for that, dude."

"We don't have time!" said Phichit. "Let's go." He waved to Nursey as everyone but Nursey ran off to find a hotel room. "Bye, Marcy, it was nice knowing you."

* * *

They booked a room with two beds at a nearby hotel, then ran upstairs. As soon as they entered their room, with an estimated 30 minutes until both universes were supposed to collapse, they split and went to separate beds, with Phichit, Bitty, and Jack near one bed and Yuuri and Victor near another. 

***

Victor, dressed as Santa, pulled down his beard, and stood in front of Yuuri, dressed as a ninja. 

"Yuuri, the time for second meanings is over. I know what you want, and you know what you want, and what you want is what I want." Yuuri took off his Santa coat and threw it on the bed. He stepped closer to Yuuri. "So, what do you want?"

Yuuri pulled down the bottom of his ninja mask, and said, "I want... you." He leaned in and kissed Victor. They took their time. 

***

Bitty, still dressed as Miss Piggy, looked at Yuuri and Victor, then at Phichit, who was still in his mouse costume, then turned to Jack, who was still in a green Kermit the Frog costume. "Can Phichit join us?"

"Okay," Jack said. 

Bitty took off his Miss Piggy nose, then took off Jack's Kermit the Frog mask, and kissed Jack. Phichit took off his mouse costume and got completely naked. Bitty pulled away from Jack and took off his Miss Piggy costume and the rest of his clothes. Phichit leaned in to Jack, who leaned in to Phichit, and they kissed. Bitty smiled. 

***

Yuuri and Victor were kissing more aggressively now, and Yuuri pushed Victor onto the bed. "We don't really have time for foreplay," said Victor, "so let's move quickly. Take off your clothes."

"Okay," said Yuuri. "I think I'd like to keep the mask on."

"That's no problem," said Victor, who had taken off his beard and Santa hat but still had on the rest of his costume. 

Yuuri took off his clothes and sat on the bed, his erection sticking out prominently. Victor kneeled down and took Yuuri's dick in his mouth, slowing moving his head up and down. Yuuri couldn't help but smile underneath his ninja mask, and he leaned back on his hands while Victor did the work. 

***

Jack, Bitty, and Phichit by now had taken off all their clothes. "I have lube," Phichit said. 

"Do me," Bitty said to Jack. Bitty kissed him, and went on all fours on the bed. Phichit positioned himself underneath so he could suck Bitty's dick. Jack fingered Bitty, then started fucking him. Bitty loved the feeling of being used. (Since it was the end of the universe, condoms weren't used.) It only took about two minutes before he came inside Bitty. He then took his dick out and cleaned himself up. (Since it was the end of the universe, Jack just wiped his dick on the corner of the sheets.) Jack then sat at the end of the bed and watched Phichit and Bitty. 

"Want to fuck me?" Phichit said to Bitty. 

"Okay," Bitty said. 

"Lay down."

Bitty laid down on his back as Phichit added lube to his dick. Bitty had never topped before-- he was curious, but never quite managed to broach the subject with Jack --and he was excited at the prospect of trying it with Phichit. 

***

Yuuri felt awkward as he sat, getting blown, while Phichit bounced up and down on Bitty's dick on the neighboring bed. It was just weird seeing a skater he had known for years like Phichit in this situation. Victor noticed Yuuri looking at Phichit. 

"Do you want to try that?" asked Victor. 

Yuuri nodded. 

Victor took off the rest of his clothes and got some of Phichit's lube. He handed it to Yuuri. "Fuck me, Yuuri," he said, and got on all fours on the bed. Yuuri added some lube to his hand, then slowly started fingering Victor. As he felt the suction of Victor's ass on his fingers, it dawned on him that he was about to fuck somebody for the first time. He removed his fingers, and pressed his dick against Victor's anus. He pushed, gradually getting further and further inside. Finally, he was all the way in, and though he felt like he might come at any second, he ended up lasting a while, long enough for Victor to get worried he wasn't going to come before the universe suddenly came to an end. 

_Skater's libidos are as fragile as glass_ , Victor thought. _If their libidos are so fragile, let's try shattering his into pieces._

"Yuuri, if you don't cum in one minute!" Victor said, loudly, "I'll take responsibility by letting Phichit pound me instead!"

Yuuri came within five seconds. 

***

They continued like this for a while, switching partners and trying everything their libidos could muster. Gradually, they came to the realization that the universe wasn't ending after all, at least not right away, and suddenly, they heard a knock at the door. 

Bitty slipped on a pair of boxers, looked through the peephole on the door, and saw Nursey standing there, still in his pumpkin spice latte costume. He opened the door slightly, keeping Nursey from hearing too much of what was still going on. 

"Hey, Bitty. Have you heard the news?"

"Oh, hey, Nursey. No, um, we've been busy."

"Still? It's been four hours!"

"Really?"

"Look, I have the head scientist in charge of portal management on the phone. She would like to talk to you." Nursey handed Bitty his phone. Bitty held it to his ear. 

"Hi, this is Eric Bittle."

"Hi Eric, this is Dr. Schwarzchild. You got the news earlier today that the universes were supposed to collapse in an hour, right?" She had a tone in her voice. 

"Uh, yes."

"And what did you do?" 

"Uh... we figured we couldn't possibly make it back in time, so we had a party."

Just then, Phichit walked up to Bitty. "Hey, Bitty, I'm going to take a shower to wash your boyfriend's cum off!"

"Okay!" said Bitty. He waved him away and returned to the phone. 

"Goddamn it," said Dr. Schwarzchild under her breath. "Eric, as creative an endeavor as your Large Hardon Collider has been, you really should've done your best to return your guests to the portal by any means necessary." She paused. "Have you ever been late in returning a book to the library?"

"Uh, yes, I think so."

"Well, there's often a grace period of a few days where they won't charge you if you bring it back within that time. Likewise, we added a grace period of a couple of days to our calculated time of universe collapse. It's a physics thing. However, we can't do this again, so get your guests back as soon as possible!"

* * *

It was about 24 hours before the universes were truly expected to collapse, and Yuuri was the last to cross the portal back into Universe B.

"I hope we can meet again," said Bitty. "Our scientists say there may be hope in reopening this portal once they understand how it's making the universe collapse."

"Our scientists say the same thing," said Yuuri. 

"Regardless, I'm sure tales of you and your universe will be told among us for a long time to come."

"And I'm sure our universe will remember your hockey team and what you gave us for generations."

"Well, from our universe to yours, it's been fun."

"More than I could imagine," said Yuuri. 

"Goodbye, Yuuri."

"Goodbye, Bitty."

Bitty walked away from the portal (the rink had been warmed up, so the ice was gone) to Dr. Schwarzchild, who was operating a laptop connected to scientific equipment monitoring the portal. 

"I don't understand," said Dr. Schwarzchild. 

"What?" said Bitty. "Didn't we do things right?"

"There must be one or two people from Universe B still over here! Where are they!"

Bitty ran back to the portal and yelled to Yuuri, who was still within earshot. "Yuuri! Apparently there's one or two people from your universe who haven't yet returned! Do you know who they are?"

Yuuri paused and thought. "Oh! Yuri Plisetski and Otabek Altin! They went to France! I completely forgot about them!"

"Well, fucking shit," said Dr. Schwarzchild. "Fuck a duck with a truck, we're all going to die. Can someone call those motherfuckers and get them on the first fucking flight over here?"

* * *

"For the last time, no!" Yuri Plisetski ended his call and set his phone to airplane mode. He and Otabek were eating dinner in a restaurant in Paris with a view of the Eiffel Tower out in the window. He looked at Otabek. "I'm not mobbed by fans here."

"Okay," said Otabek. "Still, it seemed a little defensive."

"You think so? Do you think we should go back?"

"It's up to you."

Yurio picked up a scallop with his fork and dragged it through some sauce. "They can all go to hell."

And then both universes collapsed and everyone died. The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is an addendum from John Johnson:
> 
> "Hi, you all. Lest you start thinking this story is full of plot holes and is completely unbelievable, even granting its premise, the author wanted me to give you the following background information to attest to the story's internal consistency.
> 
> The splitting of the two universes can be traced back to a chance quantum fluctuation in the midst of an atomic bomb test in the South Pacific in 1953. Fifty six years later in Universe A, anchorman Ernie Anastos would famously say, 'Keep fucking that chicken,' live on air. In Universe B, however, the effect of that quantum fluctuation in 1953 meant that air currents decades later and thousands of miles away caused a fly to fly into Anastos's mouth, resulting in him not saying anything about fucking chickens. 
> 
> In Universe A, Anastos's comment caused the Communications Director at Samwell University to become so shaken by such a complete and utter failure at the art of public relations that he quit and became a cattle rancher. His replacement started a major drive toward publicizing the university's commitment toward LGBT students, drawing in Jack, who drew in almost everyone else on the hockey team. In Universe B, their dopplegangers could not easily be found since they were not on the hockey team. Makes sense, right?
> 
> As for yours truly, in Universe A, I, John Johnson, was born Jean-Jacque Leroy. I was a 12-year-old practicing my signature "J.J." gesture when I saw a clip of Anastos's comment on TV. I then realized how futile and absurd the life of the self was, and I decided to join a team sport instead. I changed my name to 'John Johnson' to better blend in. 
> 
> Here's an odd thing: In Universe A, J. D. Salinger was considering softening his refusal to allow his book to be made into a movie, but then he saw Anastos's comment, which hardened his resolve against allowing his work to be anywhere near the same medium as Anastos. As you could see, in Universe B his estate was more lenient. 
> 
> As for the figure skaters from Universe B? Well, in Universe A, around 2012, most of who would become the world's best figure skaters were at a camp practicing their figure skating. Phichit was showing everyone his hamsters, when Leo de la Iglesia suddenly burst out laughing. In truth, his mind randomly drifted to thinking about what Anastos said, but Phichit thought he was making fun of his hamsters, so he murdered him and everyone else in the room with his ice skates. Or something like that, I dunno. Look, the author just wanted to make a fun little crossover story featuring the destruction of the universe and an orgy."


	5. Epilogue

"Gosh, I have to say," said Bitty, "it's been really fun talking with you. I mean, this is so... I mean, it sounds kind of weird to use the word 'romantic', but here we are, having a candlelit dinner at an Italian restaurant. Now," Bitty raised his hands, "I didn't exactly *approve* of you murdering my boyfriend and eating his bones, but, gosh, I can see now that you have a kinder, gentler side of you as well." Bitty leaned across the table. "And it shows in your eyes. Did anyone ever tell you you have such soft, warm eyes?"

"HURGADFLK!!!" grunted Gritty, the mascot for the NHL's Philadelphia Flyers. It slammed its hands down on the table. 

"I agree, we should get you some more hot dogs." Bitty waved to the waiter. "Excuse me!"

The waiter came over and spoke. "It is I, John Johnson! Former Existential Goalie!"

"Yes, you already said that, John, and of course I remember you from when you were on the team."

"You look like you're done!" said John Johnson. "I think I know what you are going to say next!"

"Could we have some more hot dogs, please?"

John Johnson paused. "Okay! And after that, would you like anything?"

"Uh, I don't know. We haven't decided if we're having dessert, yet."

"REHREHLASDFK!" said Gritty. 

"I agree, Gritty," said Bitty, "I'm pretty full too. Just the hot dogs, then."

"Okay! Would you like anything after that?" asked John Johnson. 

"I suppose just the check."

"Could you phrase that more politely?"

"Could we please have the check."

"Maybe a different word order?"

"Just the check would be fine, please."

"Maybe more laconic?"

"What?"

"Using fewer words."

"Look, John, do you want us to leave a bad review for this place on Yelp?"

"GRgLgGRLGLGSD!"

"Oh, eat me!" said John Johnson to Gritty. "Eat me like you ate Jack."

"John!" exclaimed Bitty. "Gritty is my date! Apologize to him this instant!"

"I'm sorry..." said John Johnson, "...sorry that Jack evidentally wasn't a filling enough meal to last for the entire day."

"That's it, where's the manager?" asked Bitty as he looked around. 

"I can't take this anymore, I quit," said John Johnson. "This is insane. I mean, how hard is it to get someone to say a simple phrase?"

"Check, fuck you!" said Bitty.

[The credits roll. A Halloween-themed harpsichord version of the theme to the Check, Please! Show plays.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to this user for Bitty/Gritty pairing: https://twitter.com/shingworks/status/1051287491427233793


End file.
